Secrets
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: HarmSinger SUMMARY: Sergei and Loren's break up brings to light startling truths and their lives could be changed forever. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Secrets

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

PAIRING: Harm/Singer

TIMELINE: shortly after Loren and Sergei started dating

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: the basic idea for this fic came to me when I was struck by a realization of how some of Loren's actions could've been interpreted. Planting the evidence in Mac's car, getting rid of Kate, confiding in Harm and no one else about her career plans, visiting Harm's apartment when there was no reason to, their flirting on the show, for some time they even had a better friendship than he had with Mac. And that got me thinking: what if Loren was in love with Harm, but never told him, afraid of being rejected? Thus this fic was born.

SUMMARY: Sergei and Loren's break up brings to light startling truths and their lives could be changed forever.

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Sergei stalked into the apartment and angrily threw himself onto the couch.

Harm came out of his bedroom, curious over his brother's uncharasteristic behaviour. Normally Sergei was an even-tempered man who never threw a temper tantrum. But this time it looked he was doing just that.

Being 17 years older (it always made him feel very old when he thought of their age difference), he had enough life wisdom to be confident about trying to help Sergei. He cared about his brother a lot and wanted to find out what had upset him.

Harm sat across from Sergei and just waited until the other was ready to acknowledge him.

After five minutes of angry mumbling Sergei finally realized that there was somebody else in the room. He lifted his arm off his eyes and eyed Harm.

"Hello, brother."

Harm nodded in greeting. The silence stretched for a while more until Harm broke it. "What's eating you? I've never seen you that upset before."

Sergei sighed, ran his hands over his face and sighed again. He contemplated whether to reveal what he was upset over or not. In the end, desire to share his burden won.

"Loren and I broke up."

Harm was stunned at the news. "Why? I thought everything was going great between you two? What happened?"

"It was. Until tonight."

"So, what went wrong?" Harm wasn't sure he was the right one to talk to. His track record wasn't the best. 3 failed relationships in 6 years and his strange situation with Mac didn't make him the best person to go to for romantic advice.

"I think she's in love."

"And this is a problem?" Harm scowled at his younger brother. He had never pegged Sergei to be the kind who would toy with women's hearts and be in a relationship just for sex.

"Yes it is. Since it is not I the one she is in love with."

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THE NEXT DAY

HARM'S OFFICE

JAG HQ

1467 ZULU

Harm was still in shock from Sergei's words.

_'Loren in love? And not with Sergei? Lt. Witch is in love?'_

He immediately felt guilty for such thoughts. True, she was extremely motivated, for which he suspected a hard, trying childhood, and ambitious, but that didn't mean she wasn't capable of loving someone. She's pretty passionate about her work, that would probably mean she's passionate in private life also.

_'Besides, she's a woman. Women are more serious about love than men. Well, at least they get serious about love sooner than us, guys. I was 35 when I first started seriously thinking of having a family. But with the way things are between Mac and I, always fluctuating and uncertain, I don't think I could inflict our relationship on our children. It would be cruel, much less fair. Better leave this line of thought and get back to Singer. It's not nice of me, but I never thought of her wanting such things.'_

Just then Loren went by his office. _'She IS a beautiful woman, but she seems to be spending all of her time either with Sergei or at the office.'_

Harm's eyes bulged at this revelation. _'Oh, god. Please, don't tell me. Please don't tell me it's Bud she fell in love with! What is it with that man? He's a regular chick-magnet! I still remember what Harriet told me of how women just fell over him before she publicly staked her claim. I never received that much attention from women, how does he do it? But, no, it can't be Bud. She'd eat him alive and spit out the bones. Singer and Bud is as ridiculous as Mac and Bud.'_

Harm let his eyes sweep the bullpen, taking in everything. There was Harriet talking to a Petty Officer, Sturgis was nowhere to be seen, Mac was in her office, as was Cheggwidden, Tiner was talking to Singer, Bud was by the photocopier,...

_'Wait a minute? Singer and Tiner? No, it can't be. She wouldn't endanger her career like that.'_ satisfied with his conclusion Harm went back to thinking.

His mind wondered back to what Sergei told him of how he realized that Singer was in love.

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**FLASHBACK TO PREVIOUS EVENING**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"Yes, my brother."**

**"And how did you find out?"**

**"I believed it was the right time and suggested we relocate to her bedroom."**

**"And?"**

**"She became nervous. It would've been our first time together."**

**"That doesn't mean anything, Sergei. Perhaps she was just shy." _'I can't believe I just said Singer could be shy.'_**

**"She was not. I talked to her about the reason. Finally she admitted that she's been in love with someone for a long time now. She believed she would be able to forget him and wanted a chance with me. But then she realized she can't have sex with anyone else, because she felt she would be cheating on the man."**

**"I wish I could tell you I am angry that she used you, but that would've been hypocritical since I once did the same thing myself."**

**"You speak of the beautiful Colonel?"**

**"Yeah. As you know she was engaged for a time and I started a relationship with another woman, because obviously Mac didn't feel for me what I felt for her. Otherwise she wouldn't have taken Brumby's ring in the first place. Renee knew from the start of our relationship what it was about, but she told me she understood. I wanted to love her, she was a wonderful person, but I couldn't. I was too hung up on Mac. I'm sorry I hurt her, but I am also happy that our relationship made her realize she wanted marriage and family and it was a contributing factor that in the end she got together with the man she's been in love with for years. They're married now."**

**"I see."**

**"Perhaps this was for the best. You may be the Renee of this relationship. Perhaps you had to get your heart broken this time to find out what you want and then eventually find the right one for you."**

**"There is wisdom in your words, brother."**

**"So, did she say who it is?"**

**"She did not. But she did say she sees him frequently and that is why she can not forget him."**

**END FLASHBACK**

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That is how Harm came to the conclusion that the man Loren was in love with was a co-worker.

On her way back to her office Loren once again crossed Harm's field of view. Upon a closer examination he noticed signs that her recent break up did not go by without leaving it's marks on her. Her drooping shoulders, defeated stature, tired expression, even her hair seemed to have lost it's luster.

Harm decided he had to talk to her. Break up is always hard, on both parties. She was a co-worker, his brother's former girlfriend and a friend and because of that he cared about her.

It seemed that Harm was the only one in the office with whom Loren had more than just purely professional relations. They were friends, something she was not with anyone else at the office.

He was also the one in whom Loren confided her plan to become the first female JAG. He was flattered and confused. Why him?

On the other hand, whom would she have told that? Mac? Bud? Harriet? Tiner? Cheggwidden?

No one can completely isolate themselves at their work place and not suffer some kind of consenquence. If not complete and utter loneliness, then their co-workers's attitude.

He made up his mind to see how she was doing and got up out of his chair and out of his office.

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	2. Chapter 2

AN: I feel so guilty about this, guys, because I received so many wonderful reviews while this fic was meant and written as a short one. A way to let out my idea by having Harm realize what Loren's actions meant. But fear not, even though this one's a short one, I have the long version of "Marked" still in works and it will be more than a 2-parter. Tnx for reading and reviewing and sorry for making this one so short.

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When he entered Loren's office he stood puzzled in the doorway. She was not there.

_'Where can she be? I saw her go by my office just a few minutes ago.'_

He was just about to turn around and leave when he noticed the piece of paper almost hidden underneath the keyboard.

Only a thin strip of it peeked out. Harm frowned. It could be something important on that paper and she wouldn't find it again. For her sake and for the sake of everyone else in the office he had to rescue the paper.

Harm crossed over to Loren's desk and fished the paper from underneath the keyboard.

It turned out to be the type used to print photos on it.

Harm didn't turn it around to see what was on it, it would be an invasion of her privacy and privacy was something Harm always respected. He left it in a visible spot so she could find it easily.

He turned around to leave the office when he noticed Loren standing in the doorway, looking at him curiously.

She walked in and sat down on her chair. He could clearly see that the break up left signs on her too. Her haggard face, the slugish way she moved, exhaustion in her every gesture, her sad stance,...

"What can I do for you, Commander?"

Harm closed the door, which prompted Loren to raise her eyebrow, and sat in the chair in front of her desk. He leaned his arms on his knees and just regarded her for a few seconds.

"I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay."

To say Loren was surprised would've been an understatement. Shocked was more accurate.

"Excuse me? Why?"

"Loren, you just broke up with someone. It's hard on you too."

"I broke your brother's heart. Why aren't you mad at me?"

Harm leaned back in his chair and, with his voice thick with compassion, told her. "Because I was once in the same spot as you are now. Having tried to move on with someone else when I realized I had no chance with the woman I loved."

Loren knew where he was going with that. "You mean the Colonel?"

A low chuckle shook Harm's large frame. "You know better than that, that I can't say who exactly she is."

Loren smiled, enjoying the game It cheered her up a little. "Ah, I see. So, there was a woman you loved and tried to move on from."

Harm nodded "Exactly."

"But since you're single, that relationship mustn't have worked."

"How do you know for certain that I'm single?"

She sent him a look.

"Okay, you're right, please proceed."

"Thank you." that was said slightly sarcastically. "So, your attempt at moving on failed. Am I right?"

Harm shrugged "More or less, but not exactly."

Her eyes narrowed "What do you mean? Not exactly?"

"The thing is, I know that my relationship with that woman wouldn't work, because even our friendship is too volatile. I'm not looking for casual relationships, I'm too old for that. And I'd consider it unfair to bring children into a relationship that has so many ups and downs, with the downs being dominant and very bad. And I realized that I need to truly move on, not the way I tried with that other woman, but for real. While I was in that relationship, I was still hoping that the woman I loved would realize what I felt for her and reciprocate, but then I realized she already knew what I felt for her, but didn't care. She had her mind set on marrying another man, even if it made everyone, including her, miserable and killed our friendship, because he was willing to give her immediately something that she wished to have right that second, and I wasn't able to at that time. My relationship with 'woman #2' helped me realize I can still have it all with someone else, provided I have moved on."

A flash of fear and despair crossed Loren's face. "So, you're saying I should just forget him and move on, because it wouldn't have worked?"

Harm shook his head. "No, Loren, I was just describing my own situation. I don't know how things are between you and the man you love, but I think you should make absolutely sure there is no chance for you two, before you try to move on. If all else fails, ask him if he wants to be with you."

"And what if he doesn't want me and I'll just make a fool of myself?"

"At least you'll know where you stand. Bruised pride is better than to live the rest of your life wondering." a dark shadow crossed his face, darkening his eyes. Loren's eyes widened in realization.

"You know what you're talking about, don't you? You've been there."

There was a suspicious moistness in Harm's aquamarine orbs when he answered. "Yes, I do. 5 years ago there was a woman I had strong feelings for. Even stronger than for the woman we talked about earlier. I didn't want to make a fool of myself or risk our friendship, so I procrastinated. I waited too long and one day I found out she transferred out of DC. I've waited too long and blew every chance I ever had of being with the woman I loved because I was scared. Don't let it happen to you."

"Why didn't you try to find out where she went? Perhaps there was still a chance for you?"

Harm shook his head. "Another example of my stupid pride stopping me. But it's too late now. She was too wonderful to remain single for this long. Beautiful, inside and out. Especially inside. Add to that gorgeous, blonde, blue eyes, tall and extremely intelligent, and I can't see some man smarter than me, in that respect, not acting on his attraction to her."

Loren smiled "A blonde, huh?"

Harm's eyes narrowed playfully. "You trying to insinuate something there, Lt.? I'll have you know that, contrary to what Col. Mackenzie is spreading around, I am not that shallow that I would choose based on hair colour. It's just coincidence that some of the women I liked were blondes."

A smirk crossed Loren's liips. "As long as you don't have anything against blondes."

Harm wondered for a moment what she meant with that, but decided to let it go. "What I'm trying to say is, Loren, don't wait too long or you'll lose your chance. We only get a limited amount of chances in our lives and we shouldn't waste any of them. They are too precious and few. You have a chance at love and happiness, don't let it slip through your fingers."

Before Loren could reply there was a knock on the door and Tiner entered. She quickly wiped a tear from her cheek, his passionate appeal and what he'd told her making her eyes water. A wind blew in when Tiner opened the door and a few papers flew off her desk. She managed to stop them, but one small one fell near Harm's feet. Tiner didn't notice the emotionally charged situation he walked in on, but just stumbled out an apology.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I just have something for you to sign."

Loren quickly signed and dismissed Tiner and turned to Harm. Only to have her eyes almost pop out in panic.

Harm had picked up the small piece of paper, only to find out that it was the one he rescued from being lost. But this time it wasn't laying face down. The image on it caught his eye.

He slowly picked it up and stared at it. He never noticed Tiner leaving, but when he lowered the photo and looked at Loren, her panicked eyes confirmed his suspicion.

"Me?" he rasped out.

Loren was considering fleeing the room, but wasn't sure her legs would cooperate. She was forced to face the situation.

Wordlessly she nodded, all sounds stuck in her throat. Tearducts were already warming up, completely sure she would get her heart broken in a matter of seconds.

"Wow." whispered Harm. "I never knew. I'm flattered."

She tried to swallow, but her throat was completely dry. "But you don't want me."

Harm shook his head. Tears broke through and started falling down her cheeks. When Harm saw what was happening he hurried to say what he meant. "I didn't mean that. I meant to say you were wrong."

He moved to quickly lock the door and shut the blinds. Then he went over to her and kneeled before her. He cupped her face with his big hands and wiped the tears off with his thumbs "Please, don't cry. It's just so sudden, I never expected this. I'm not rejecting you."

She sniffed and another tear broke through. "You're not?"

He wiped the tear away and caressed her cheeks. "No, I'm not."

"Thank god." she choked out and threw herself into his arms. He caught her and craddled her to his chest. After a while his knees started to hurt and he sat in her chair, pulling her onto his lap. Loren buried her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

Tenderness for this woman washed over him like a wave and he gently kissed her hair. She must've had her heart broken so many times, yet here she was, risking her heart for him. He was truly flattered, touched and proud of her.

They held each other for a while and only an occasional sniffle broke the silence.

"I want there to be an 'us' and see if we can work." Harm whispered into her hair.

Loren's head rose from his chest and vulnerable, happy eyes met his. With her mascara running she reminded him of a panda or a racoon, cute and cuddly. The happiness in her eyes made him glad and proud that he was the one to put it there. Their lips met in a gentle, sweet, but brief kiss.

Their toes didn't curl, the fireworks didn't go off, but it still meant the world to them.

The kiss soon ended and Harm pulled her into his chest again, while Loren rested her cheek on his shoulder and her nose in his neck.

"What happened to Miss Petersen?" she whispered after a while, desperate to know that Sergei would be okay.

"Our relationship had helped her realize that she wanted kids and a husband. When we went to her father's funeral she met her high school sweetheart again. They're married now."

"Good." she sighed. "That means she won't be coming back and try to take you away from me."

Realization struck Harm, making his eyes grow impossibly wide. "So, that was it!" he exclaimed.

"What was what?" was Loren's sleepy reply. The emotional stress of the day had caught up to her and Harm's embrace was so tender and warm that she was becoming quite sleepy.

"You were jealous!" he accused her softly.

Now that got her attention. She met his gaze, fearful of finding condemnation there. Instead she found only amusement and wonder.

"What do you mean?"

Harm chuckled, the vibrations spreading throughout her body.

"Mac and Kate. The evidence in Mac's car. I've always thought you were trying to get rid of a professional competition. Instead you were jealous and possessive and trying to take care of the competition over me." he whispered softly.

Loren felt the need to defend herself. "You can't prove that."

"No." Harm said "I can't and I don't even intend to try."

"So, you're not mad?" she asked tentatively.

"Oh, I was when it happened, but now that I know the motives, I'm not. Though I would've been happier if it hadn't almost destroyed Mac's career."

Loren nodded sadly. "Yeah, that wasn't nice. But Harm, she should've returned the files and reported it immediately. She didn't. Which means that she actually debated looking into them, proving that she isn't so innocent. She wasn't forced into that, it was a completely voluntary decision. She could've, should've, returned them, but she didn't."

Harm had to agree that she was right. But then he realized something else. While admitting regret and remorse, she hadn't actually admitted to doing those things. She was a damn good lawyer and had an enormous potential. He suspected that with the right mentoring she could become one of the best, besting Mac and being a serious threat to him. What she still needed to learn though was that the only thing that matters is the truth and justice, not winning. And Harm decided he would help her achieve her fullest potential.

They were also both talking in vague terms and anybody who would be listening in, couldn't get anything incriminating. They were also both whispering. He glanced towards the door, glad that they were closed and the blinds shut. He wouldn't want them to be overseen or overheard. This office was one of the most gossip-happy offices he had ever seen in his entire military career. And that was saying a lot, since he was stationed with Marines for a brief time.

"You're right. She should've. But it makes me angry at myself for never noticing what you were doing and why you were doing it. Or perhaps it's better that I didn't. I was still too hung up on Mac back then. I'm only now ready to have something more with someone else. Something more with you."

His hand caressed her cheek and she closed her eyes, leaning into the caress.

"I'm glad." she whispered "I'm just sorry I hurt Sergei. He's a good guy and I hope he finds someone who can really love him the way he deserves. I couldn't be that one because I.."

Harm's finger on her lips silenced her. She opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly.

"Please, don't say it until I am ready to say it back. I know what you feel and what you want to say, but I want to say it back and I'm not ready for that yet."

Doubt clouded her eyes. "And will you ever be?"

Harm nodded emphatically. "I will be. I've gotten to know you, the real you, while you were with Sergei and was always aware that I could easily fall in love with you if I allowed myself. And I didn't because of Sergei. Which reminds me, the day you met him, what were you doing at my place?"

Loren stuttered, deep crimson blush colouring her cheeks. "Uh... er.. It was something work related."

Harm continued, slightly amused at her reaction. "What was so important it couldn't have waited until the next day?"

He watched her struggle with the answer for a bit, but then determination returned to her eyes. "Actually, it didn't have anything to do with work. I just wanted to see you. I actually managed to screw up the courage to tell you how I felt, but when I realized you weren't home, I've lost the courage. The rest you know."

She leaned her head on his shoulder again and he wrapped his arms around her tighter. "You know, I'm glad Tiner blew in here like a storm."

"Me too." she murmured.

"Hey, no sleeping on the job, Lt." Harm joked, pulling her away from him. "We've got to get back to work, or people will start talking."

Loren nodded and stood so he could get off her chair. Harm got to his feet and gently kissed her on the lips. "Fix your make-up or people will say that I yelled at you. You look like a panda."

At her indignant glare he quickly explained "All cute and cuddly. It just makes me want to hold you and never let go." Her eyes softened and a smile pulled at her lips.

"That's what I like to see." Harm cheered "My girl smiling."

"Am I?" she asked quietly "Am I your girl?"

Harm sobered "For as long as you want."

Her gaze became very intense "Forever?"

Harm looked at her. "Yes. But first we should see how we are as a couple before we start buying a house together."

"Okay, but I'll start doing research on the best neighborhoods anyway. Low criminal level, proximity to parks, malls, hospitals,... What kind of day care and schools are around."

Harm queried "Schools? Day care?" he didn't dare hope she wanted the same as he.

Fear flashed across her face "You don't want children?"

"I do." he quickly reassured her "That's why I had to make sure you do. I want to settle down with you and have a family. That is, if you want an old pilot/lawyer as the father of your children."

A smile blossomed on Loren's face "I wouldn't want anyone else."

Finally Harm's full smile made itself known. "Good, glad to have that cleared. So, what do you say we have dinner tonight?"

"My place, you can cook. 1900 okay?" she stole a quick kiss.

"No problem. Besides, I love to cook."

"Good." another kiss "Now go before I throw you down on this desk and start making those babies. I still have work to do."

Harm nodded and moved to the door, where he waited until Loren was finished fixing her make-up. When she looked presentable again, he peeked through the blinds to check if the coast was clear. When he saw no one was looking he quickly opened them and unlocked the door. Then he sent a wink Loren's way and exited her office, leaving the door open.

Loren stared after him, hardly daring to believe that it was all actually happening, that she was really dating Harm after all these years of longing.

With a bright smile she got back to her work, not knowing that her smile was the exact replica of the one on Harm's lips.

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And so the courtship of Harmon Rabb and Loren Singer began.

1 month after it began Harm knew he had moved on from his infatuation with Mac and 4 months later he made Loren cry again. One evening when they were saying goodbye after a lovely dinner he finished his kiss with an "I love you.". At first she didn't dare believe, but when she looked into his eyes and saw the seriousness and an immesourable amount of love in them, she was conviced. Harm was right, he easily fell in love with her and he knew it was a pemanent condition. He would love her and be in love with her for the rest of his life, come hell or high water. With a cry she launched herself into his arms and started kissing him, repeating "I love you, too." constantly.

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One day Harm asked her "Why did you have a photo of us together from that picnic 2 years ago under your keyboard?"

She turned to him, her eyes glowing with love and happiness "I just pulled it out occasionally to look at it, to know why I was still hoping for us to be together. I wanted a reminder of you with me, but didn't want anyone to find it, so I hid it under the keyboard. Thank god I kept it there, so you could find it."

"Yeah, me too." Harm murmured and they went back to cuddling.

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Soon after the start of their relationship Sergei's mother got ill and he moved back to Russia. There he met a girl, Galina, and they clicked immediately. Just as Harm foretold.

For a while Harm and Loren kept their relationship a secret, but 7 months after it began they decided to get out of the closet.

Their appearance as a public couple on JAG's annual picnic caused quite a stir. Some people actually believed that they were trying to pull a joke on them, but eventually had to realize the truth when they saw how they interacted with each other. Love was evident in every gesture, every touch, every word, it practically blinded everyone with it's intensity. A pairing that everyone to that day thought unrealistic had been proven the strongest and most loving anyone ever knew. They had a lot more in common than anyone even realized. Finally everyone had to concede that it was no joke and that they just couldn't see Loren and Harm breaking up. Even Mac eventually realized it was for the best she let go, she had to face the fact that Harm and she were better as friends than as anything else. They were just too different and too differential at times to make it as a couple.

A few weeks later Harm and Loren bought a house together and moved in.

12 months after that faithful conversation in her office, Harm and Loren announced their engagement and were married 2 months later.

She was promoted to Lt. Commander while still practising signing her new name.

Their son, coincidentally a honeymoon baby, was born exactly 9 months after their wedding, followed 3 years later by a daughter.

Loren Rabb was breastfeeding their newborn daughter, while Harm held them both in his arms and she thought back to the last few years, the happiest years of her life. They had gotten through many a hardship, but she knew they would always be victorious and always stand together, in love, for the rest of their lives.

Simply because they were meant to be.

THE END


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